Thursday, October 7, 2010

I didn't want to be a pretentious Onion writer anyway...right?

A friend passed along info for a opening position at the ONION looking for a part-time contributor with their "fake sports" video section of their website. This was a few months back, and I only had a couple days to write up 20 story jokes that could sustain a 2-3 min video. Anyway I was super excited because it would have been pretty amazing to say I wrote for the Onion. How awesome does that sound. "Oh, me. What do I do? I just write for the the Onion - You've heard of it? You love it? You want to sleep with me? Thank you but - I can't. Or -- I shouldn't. You and your a threesome -- but i'm straight and i'm kind of awkward -- plus your teen age daughter wants a piece. umm well" Believe it or not that conversation never happened. The reality is I did not hear back. I do not work at the Onion. But I will leave you with my 20 submissions a few at a time. They might be terrible. Some definitely are, but hey they all can't be gold. These were just the easiest ones to photoshop.

Tiki’s life was great in 2007. He wants you to remember the good times, so he’ll be making a nationwide tour of 99 cent stores throughout the country and promoting his autobiography penned in 2007, three years before his life took a smelly dump.

World champion NFL QB, Drew Brees, has a lot of explaining to do as sports fans are wondering why his signature birthmark is now on the opposite side of his face. The never spoken about birthmark is suddenly thrust into the spotlight. Awkward.


  1. I can see you writing for the Onion sports section! I would imagine there is a lot of competition to land that gig. Gotta keep on trying. I used to read the onion years ago and I will check out the website

    What do you think of writing for
    I sent in a sample article on the subject of fitness and was accepted but declined as I have other priorities atm

  2. um, let me get this had a chance to get an article published, and you said no? WTF?

  3. I sent in a sample article as they requested so they could evaluate me for the gig but when I got the insider details it wasn't what I thought it would be. You don't have to be a great writer but you need to be on top of all the local happenings in your area-not my thing.
    For example, I thought I could expose fitness gimmicks and be opinion oriented but would prolly have to announce the 'new zumba class offerings' zzzzzzzzzzz

  4. Their loss, Erick Paws, for the Onion will fade and your Blogs/Stories are goin to blow f#*k up yo, fo sho!!!!


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