Rejected from the ONION

Tiki’s life was great in 2007. He wants you to remember the good times, so he’ll be making a nationwide tour of 99 cent stores throughout the country and promoting his autobiography penned in 2007, three years before his life took a smelly dump.

World champion NFL QB, Drew Brees, has a lot of explaining to do as sports fans are wondering why his signature birthmark is now on the opposite side of his face. The never spoken about birthmark is suddenly thrust into the spotlight. Awkward.

Denver QB, Kyle Orton, known for his off the field drunken displays: online photos of him in his underwear drinking straight Jack Daniels, finally decided to put his drunken past behind him. Two weeks sober, a freshly shaven Kyle has no idea who he is or how he could possibly be a starting quarterback in the NFL.

Rudy Ruettiger, one of the most inspirational stories in all of sports about a blue collar kid who didn’t want to accept his fate in a local steel mill and instead worked his tail off to play for the Fighting Irish, is now back at the local steel mill. His motivational speaking gigs dried up at high schools around the country, as his story didn’t really connect with the younger generation. We interview young kids as they bring up valid points, “The guy played a couple downs in college? Big deal, he didn’t even go pro.”

A season ticket holder of Chicago Bulls games throughout the 90's says the reason he is so fat is because the Bulls won too much. FatMan was at every game throughout the Bull's first 3-peat and says they scored well over 100 points almost every game, in effect showering the stadium with free tacos. In the decade that saw the Bulls repeatedly punishing their opponents, FatMan punished his body with tacos. His lawsuit is awaiting trial.

It was sad to see Jake Delhomme exit from Carolina, but a developing story explains it had nothing to do with his play on the field and more to do with his exotic diet. Jake and his wife own a small organic market in a neighboring town of Carolina, and Jake eats nothing but raw food causing his farts to be intolerable.

In what was supposed to be a joyous event when Serena Williams came to support the adoption of rescue animals, ended with the tragic death of three puppies. Sources say she has a big heart along with incredibly strong hands.

Jared Allen challenges investigators to try and find his victims bodies. Jared Allen says, “You just can’t. I hid them too good.”

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