Saturday, November 20, 2010

I'm going to miss you, my calcified friend

As I write this under the influence of vicodin,  I would like to reflect on a loss that was both filled with relief and sadness-much like the death of a mother-in-law.  I need closure, and will be addressing my extracted upper molar.  You caused me a lot of pain buddy! For 3 days,  I spent feebly cursing you as I attempted in vain to feed my body or breathe some much-needed air. In addition to your insistence that I starve to death, you didn't want me to enjoy reading or writing as you made it abundantly clear that you wanted my full undivided attention, and were more than happy that I remained ignorant.  You sadistic f*cker.  As I downed handfuls of ibuprofen, I felt you were mocking my efforts to diminish the pain by lulling me into a false sense of peace- then wham! you turn on the torture meter at full strength. Jerk!

I finally submitted to your will and went to the dentist.  I don't know if you heard the conversation, as the local sedation was quickly setting in- but you were very quiet, you no doubt felt like a nervous canine at the vet, wondering if his balls would be chopped off.

The dentist was in your corner though-he thought I should save you.  It would cost $1500 bucks to keep your high-maintenance ass.  I did consider it, as we had so many good times together but lately you had pissed me off so much.  Like a 10-week overdue 12-toed inbred baby, you were not welcomed.  Putting aside fond memories of crunching jolly ranchers and biting people with a complete set, I told him to put a cap in your ass.  The good dentist however, was intimidated by your complicated roots, telling me that it would be more prudent to see an oral surgeon.  Damn you! malevolent molar!  You did not make this easy for me.  I foolishly thought that it would all be over once I got into that comfortable chair of nightmares.  Just when you thought you had won, I persuaded the dentist to change his mind and let us just try and hope for the best.

Through exhausting struggle, you held on with a tenacious grip.  On one of his breaks to rest his weary hands and wipe his sweaty brow, he pleaded with me "you know, it's not too late to change your mind"  I said "No" and then asked him if I could help assist in some way with pulling.  I think this served to make him more determined to not give up.

 I almost felt like stopping the procedure as I admired your toughness.  You were John Wayne, Charles Bronson and Steve Urkle all rolled into one.  I started feeling guilty.  Afterall, it was my neglect that brought us here.  I could have taken better care of you.  I was like the parent that refused to buy that pricey shampoo to rid their children's hair of head lice, instead telling them it's fleas from the dog, and that if they wanted to keep Fido they better stop bitching.  But YOU were at fault too.  I had previous work done -you were drilled and filled.  But you were not content and eventually your uncompromising ways led to rebellion and you forced out the foreign invader leaving me with a vulnerable hole that collected buick-sized chunks of food.  I left you to fend for yourself and you crumbled under the pressures of independence.

You fought tooth n nail but you were finally wrenched from my jaw, but in your steadfast devotion to assholery, you left behind a piece, which necessitated a visit to the oral surgeon afterall. Grr!

It's all over now.  The pain is subsiding, the bills are rising and I have to admit, I miss you.  You were a valued friend.  Even though there is an option to adopt, it just wouldn't be the same.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Awww, Bear Hugs

My original post title was going to read :
Bears outsmart surprisingly stupid Dolphins
My first sentence leading in:
Dolphins are supposed to be smart right?
I was going to go on and on about how the Dolphins used a 3rd string QB with only a few days of prep, and declined to run the ball. What idiots!

But the reality is I've seen the Bears be just as stupid throughout this season. Choosing to shoot themselves in the foot by going pass heavy leading to turnovers and close ugly losses. It seems now that the Bears are finally starting to find their stride and sticking to a more split pass/run ratio. With their strong defense I think this team is going to surprise a lot of naysayers this year. Again, playing a banged up, back-up squad in the Dolphins is again enough to keep most from not believing in Chicago. In my opinion, I'm going out on a ledge here and say I'd rather have this current team and coaching staff than the '07 Bears that went to the SuperBowl. Whaaaat?! Wait, I still can't believe the Bears actually went to the Superbowl in '07. Good D goes a long way. Throw in Jay Cutler and the ability to score points when trailing...Yowzers. I'm trying not to oversell them, maybe only to over compensate for all the Bear haters out their in the form of commentators, sports writers, espn power rankings, Kellens', and even pessimistic Bears fans. Shut down Vick next week and suddenly watch how fast they all start jumping on the bandwagon.

Stay tuned for video of our friend Kellen eating dog food.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Bears, Villains, and Dog Food

Ok, lets get this started...Prediction: Dolphins 24 Bears 10...even our 3rd string QB will be better than Cutler...any Bears fan disagrees? Just know its always better to put $$ behind ur words...

Meet Kellen Love:

Dolphin Fan, Miami native, Snazzy dresser,(revolving closet of tux's), a smile worthy of giving you a sun tan, Bears hater and yes my arch nemesis when it comes to NFL football. Kellen likes to play the villain, as he seemingly enjoys this more than life itself.


The above post was left by Kellen just yesterday on his Facebook page. I of course took this as a personal attack. Can I possibly let Kellen get away with such a aggressively confident taunt directed at Bears fans? Am I not a man? Do I not love and respect my city and team? After talking myself out of selling my car and possessions and putting it all on the line, I came to my senses and realized that total and complete humiliation was a better option.

I posted this counter challenge to Kellen:

put your dog food where your mouth is - I'll take that bet - loser eats dog food on video ? Go Bears!

I am still waiting for Kellen's reply. It's been over 15 hours. Sounds like he is not as confident as he previously let on. I'm taking this bet for all Bears fans, as I do have confidence in a Bears win, but most importantly I want to see my favorite villain eat dog food.

Bet accepted as a cautious Kellen agreed to eating a small can of dog food, on video, in less than 3 minutes, having to post video on Facebook in less than a week. Go Bears!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I met Spongebob, jealous?


What's Spongebob like in person you ask? Well he's a nice guy, who cares about the environment, buys recycled toilet paper, kleenex, and paper towels and prefers stainless steel water bottles for his kids over the waste that is plastic.
It turns out the face I thought looked very familiar,coming into my eco-friendly shop is in fact Tom Kenny. He's been around for awhile, starting in stand-up, appearing on Mr.Show, doing a lot of voice work, most notably as Spongebob Squarepants. In my opinion probably the best children's, maybe of all time.

In our small little shop we also sell organic mattresses, which Tom showed some interest in. I don't work on commission, but selling a mattress, being the highest priced item in the shop would really help us. I haven't sold one yet but I told Tom to come back with his wife and give our demo mattress a test out. Is it creepy that I winked right afterward. Either way he said they'll be back. This is of course before I knew who he was and now when he comes back in I'm worried the dynamic is gonna change, like somehow he'll know that I know, or I'll try and do a funny voice to impress him. It's gonna get ugly and awkward.

(Check out Tom and his wife, Jill Talley, in the Smashing Pumpkins, Tonight, Tonight, music video) I'm so getting them in bed.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Did you see that bush on Oprah?

not oprah

No, I'm not talking about some secret nude photos of a hairy Oprah from the late 70's, but an interview she had with George W. Bush.  I thought it was a great interview, an eye opener on some of the issues.  I don't hold any animosity toward the guy and I wish him well.

I can say this as a democrat because I'm not a partisan hack.  I see problems on both sides of the aisle.  One day it may be a republican that irritates me and the next- a democrat.  There is no shortage of foolishness in Washington, and it was a foolish law that caught my attention today. 

It was part of the March health-care reform and it will require all vendors to put up individual signs in close proximity of all items in a vending machine informing customers the caloric values of each item.  The FDA estimates that it will require 14 million hours a year to implement these changes. Is this really worth the cost, time, and effort? Is this fair? Will this hurt jobs?  Doesn't the general public already know that cookies, chips, soda and candy bars are bad for them?  When people are hungry they are not thinking about health risk- they need a carbo fix and a sign ain't gonna do shit. It's just common sense.

Instead of a sign, how about a mirror or a talking scale
you must step on to get the goodies  
"sorry you are too fat - access denied"

I know many people would love to see the junk food peddlers suffer, but I would rather see people become educated about healthy eating.  Then maybe they won't even approach a vending machine.  The lost profits would then be due to less demand and not because of unfair regulations. 
I understand the rationale behind the law, it has good intentions, but I think it crosses the line and would be ineffective anyways.

I realize I totally sound like a republican here.  It's just a once-in-awhile thing. I promise

Monday, November 8, 2010

rocks and serial killers

I normally don't watch much tv. But last night I was being lazy and didnt feel like looking for the remote to turn the channel, so I totally deserved the brutal onslaught of  'Inside Edition'.  I never watch these celebrity tabloid shows. I just dont get it. Why are people so interested in the personal lives of celebrities? It's an obsessive fascination for a lot of people. It makes me nauseous. 
But I continued watching.

They report about that new movie, '127 hours'. I haven't seen the movie or read the story in depth but it all sounds so predictable- man versus nature- blah, blah, blah, -man survives.  It's the story of that mountain climber guy who after 127 hours of his arm pinned by a boulder, decides to chew it off like a rat through cable wires - or maybe he had a knife?
This guy gets a movie? Why? What is the big deal here?  It's an arm, it's not like it was his penis or his head.  And why did he wait so long? It took him 127 hours to make this decision? Could you imagine his indecisiveness as he mulls over a Chinese take-out menu or goes out chopping around for a hat or a pair of gloves.  I'm impatient. I don't like sitting on my hands. I would have freed myself in the first 4 hours or at least before I had to take a crap.

'127 Hours' Director Danny Boyle
"Oh, you're gonna like this one....turn up the volume at the end" tee hee

There can't be much of a plot here.

A. guy is climbing mountain- beautiful scenery, nice music
B. guy falls down mountain, trapping his arm- darkness, ominous music
C. *filler material for an hour* I guess flashbacks on how much he loved his arm, maybe a scene of him winning an arm wrestling match or spiking volleyballs
D. guy severs own arm

Anyway, all was not lost.  They eventually had an interesting story.

This family from Colorado were very distressed to find out that their recently purchased dream home was formally owned and occupied by a man with a bad habit of serial killing. The real estate company did not divulge them of this fact, and now there are tears everywhere.  They are scared to be in this place.  Dreams have been shattered. The Inside Edition camera crew proceed to film the basement and they are directed to an area where one of the bodies were found.....and get this, they show the nearby wall with blood stains on it. WHAT??? WHY is there blood on the wall????  You just left it there??? Are you kidding me. You couldn't hire Merry Maids to take care of this with a scotch-brite or spend 5 minutes sealing a poor sap's DNA with a coat of of Kilz primer sealer???  These people are all panicky having to be in this house but, "oh let me show you the blood splatter....this really freaks me out". Oh yeah, when you try to sell the house, be sure to show prospective buyers your bloody wall. Great selling point.

I lost my sympathy for them and couldn't help find this somewhat amusing.  Personally, I dont see what the fuss is all about. Sure, I would prefer that my house be murder-free and that cemeteries be at least 100 feet away, but life isn't always fair and occasionally you get thrown a curve ball.  If i found myself in a tainted house I wouldn't get all cry-baby about it. I'd deal with it. Maybe I would throw an awesome Halloween haunted house every year. Fun for the kids.

Just when I thought 'What the hell is wrong with fearful people these days?', in comes the next story- that of a California couple that bought the home of convicted serial killer Dorothea Puente.

Infamous house under new and improved ownership

To be fair to the mile-high family, this lovely elderly couple already knew about the home's ghastly history.  But they said,  f**k it, and went ahead and bought the place anyway. They rock! They took advantage of the situation and got a great deal on the price. Very smart.  I was surprised by their cavalier attitude....they were all smiles - definitely in love- and proud to show off their house of horrors.  While in the back yard the man was giving a tour, "here is where she buried one of the victims"

Convicted serial killer Dorothea Puente is now concerned about 
the lack of  good fertilizer for her gorgeous rose bushes

So would you buy a home that had as a previous occupant, a serial killer?  I think I could handle it.  You have to put things in perspective. People die in homes all the time. Whether it is due to natural causes, accidentally falling down the stairs or head decapitation-death is death.  I think people have a fear that the house may become haunted with a restless pissed off spirit who would never leave the house. I dont believe in all that silliness, however, I try to keep an open mind about this stuff.

Sometimes mysterious things have happened like something suddenly falling to the floor or some unexplained noises.  I know this is due to natural reasons but it doesn't hurt to be proactive just in case.  I just pretend that I know 'it's' there.  I acknowledge and confront this spirit a-hole by telling it to "GTFO, you're wasting your time, I don't give a shit if you move my cup, go back in the basement you ass". 

Seriously, I will fight a ghost.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Bison escapes a grizzly fate

Game time is about an hour away.  Will the 4-3 Chicago Bears take down the 0-7 Buffalo Bills?  Will the game be as thrilling as the above real-life encounter?  I hope so.  The Bears had a bye week, so they should be well rested and should be capable of producing a full throaty roar. There is a huge difference between 5-3 and 4-4.  Let's go Bears!

**********after game edit**********

bears win 22-19
not a great performance overall but saw some good things from cutler

next week we play the wackiest team in the nfl
bears 5-3 vs vikings 3-5 (prolly the best 3-5 team)


So our behind-the-times military is still afraid to repeal DADT.  Aren't soldiers required to obey orders?  Seems like orders are a big deal in the military. Why does the military think if they do away with DADT that there would be some massive coming-out party in the showers?? A lot of paranoia out there.


I'm so excited that I will get my first Kindle in a few days.  I had wanted one of these since 2007 when they first came out, but the price at the time was a little too much. I'm not one of those impatient people that buy all that first generation stuff, and I certainly won't wait for days in a line with a tent set-up, -are people really peeing in bottles? and what about.....uh nevermind.  Well I held off as long as I could, much like William Wallace,




Even though my heart was set on the Kindle, there were other players in the market I had to review before I took the plunge; especially the Nook from Barnes and Noble.  I liked the Nook, loved that color touchscreen LCD, but in the end, after looking at every feature, the Kindle in my mind was still the best dedicated e-reader.  I got the Kindle 3G+WiFi-6".  I was tempted by the DX's 9.7 screen but I couldn't justify spending $200 more bucks

I can't wait to get this!  I hope it won't interfere too much with my blog output- I like blogging, been at it for a month now, but nothing is quite like the comfort of a good reading experience.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

television ads

I'm always amused by the commercials you see during a NFL football game- in my case, the chicago bears, who are sucking so bad that the commercials are more entertaining anyways..  I'm not referring to intentionally humorous light-beer ads but ads for pickup trucks-more specifically, the full sized trucks.  I can't help but chuckle when I see a dodge, chevy or ford mightily showcasing it's mind-numbing horsepower and torque by hauling a cruise ship up a winding mountain or traversing through an impassable river or climbing over monstrous boulders. Nevermind that most people who buy pick-ups would rarely go offroad, if ever they do, or would rarely utilize all 342 cubic feet of bed space-it doesn't matter, guys love their trucks.
 I will give you an example of an inside-the-head conversation of a guy named Chuck, a man dreaming up scenarios as he drools over his future truck.

beta chuck "oh my god dude, there is no way in hell we are gonna get through these fallen trees and that muddy ravine. I think we are gonna ****ing die...I'm so scared......I have 3 kids man....what are we gonna do???"

alpha chuck- "hahaha! - calm down you pansy-ass, you are forgetting that you are sitting in my  ford f350 4x4....the most powerful truck in its class....we are just going to blaze a path of destruction of our will see your chubby kids in no time, so wipe those tears away brah......we gonna kick some earth-ass"

beta chuck- "ok i feel so much better, I'm soooo glad you got this truck, you are one smart man"

 If it's not feats of boner-inducing hauling power,  its an appeal to your pseudo-patriotism with some catchy country song featuring a bunch of cowboy-hat-wearin studs representing good ole fashioned hard workin americans.

Director- "we need more flags and horses....and stubble, stop shaving!"

These testosterone-laden  ads are no doubt effective in piquing the interest of men who want to feel more powerful- guys that wanna break stuff, maybe run down a family of deer or some mailboxes or maybe it's just comforting to know that if there is a 7.4 magnitude earthquake, nothing will stop them from getting a slurpee at 7-11.

Now let's turn away from pickup trucks and focus on the family vehicle. I'm irritated at this one.
There is an ad out for the toyota highlander where some punk 8 year old kid looking on with disdain at the old minivan, tells the camera-
"Just because you're a parent doesn't mean you have to be lame,"

Whoa!, I know advertisements are meant to persuade the consumer but this is shameless, -over-the-line I tell ya.  The ad is no doubt targeting parents who would be afraid of appearing 'uncool' to their bratty kids.  I sure hope there aren't spineless parents like this, or our country is ****ed.

At that age, I was just happy that the car would start.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Satan, say please...

me and Bianca, (that's right, eat it grammar) had a busy month of October as we spent almost every weeknight and weekend scrambling to finish our Day of the Dead altar at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. (more photos of our Golden Girl tribute soon to come)


the next day, Halloween, we were exhausted from 17 + hours spent at a cemetery, (I must have peed out at least two gallons worth of ghosts -- you'd be surprised at all the orifices they try and enter) and just wanted to stay home and relax, hand out candy and maybe carve a pumpkin. keeping it low key we invited a few 'day of the dead crew' also known as Glitter Pockets over for a relaxed Halloween chock full of horror movies. but not to disappoint me and bianca quickly transformed into Blossom and Punky Brewster. you're welcome, Satan.

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