Sunday, December 12, 2010

new keyboard

as i mentioned earlier in a [revious comment, im liarning to touch type wuth the hel[ of mavis beacon.  i ppicked up a microsoft wireless keyboard and mouse. the five thousand series. e love it. it is an ergonomec ketboard which males typing so much easirr . so far i know all the letters and im continually improvung . i need a lot more practice. exclamation point.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

return to blogging

I have written one blog post in the time span of a month.   I haven't been blogging up a shit storm.  How the hell did this happen?  Did the new-car smell wear off?  Did I get arthritic in the fingers or brain? I'm trying to figure this out.  Since humans love to blame things, I will say it's the fault of my Kindle and my new high-speed internet service.  That's right, I'm being inundated with information.  I'm overloaded to the max.

First, I started reading a lot of books on my kindle, well, at least as far as the free samples will let me.  So, basically, I've read a lot of the beginning chapters of books.  I tell ya, I would dread seeing the inevitable page

{ End of this sample Kindle book.  Enjoyed the sample?  Buy NOW } 

"Noooo. Oh please, not now, gimme one more chapter"

Every time I start a new book I have this irrational thought that perhaps I will get lucky and go beyond the demarcation line or at least be blessed with a long sample.  This never happens.

Being abruptly shut-down, reminds me of going to the candy store as a kid and picking out everything that appealed to my taste buds and realizing I forgot to bring any money.  Actually, I was deluding myself and I knew I didn't have money and was hoping that by some miracle from the sugar gods, I would be exempt from this silly notion of currency.  The gods never intervened in my plight -not even a sample 1-cent sweedish fish- but a look of pity from the candy dispenser guy.  I have dreams one day to go back to that place where I experienced my first dose of harsh reality and exact revenge.  I will stroll in confidently in my fishermen's outfit, complete with pole, net, and fish-hook hat.  There will be no stories of the one that got away this time.  I will slam a 'jackson' on the counter and proceed to greedily wipe out the fish population.  To complete the scene, I will then stuff them in my oversized tackle box and laugh haughtily as I exit the ruins.

 High-speed internet is pretty cool.  I can now watch videos and I even played some online games.  I have however come to the conclusion that it can be a major distraction and time killer if taken to excess.  I realized that i don't have to see or do everything, it's impossible anyways, there is soo much out there.  Just like the kindle, I want to read everything but I must be realistic and placate myself with a few key areas of interest.  Until the day we can bypass our slow brains with implanted computers, we have to be very selective with input.

 Anyhoo, I shall return to blogging.

I have this idea for a novel or a story for a movie.  It is horror/thriller. I don't read much of novels beyond the forced-to-read classics so I'm not sure how to approach this.  I will be checking out some books on writing to help flesh this out.

And I plan on learning to type.  I'm still a hunt and peck guy.  Although the speed isn't too bad, I want to look at the screen and not the keyboard.  Mavis here I come.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Real life Ron Burgundy

I randomly stumbled upon this website featuring Winnipeg TV personalities and found the mustachioed Jim Toth, who surely has banged his way to the top, and perfected the raised eye brow, which says, "yeah I did it...twice." Jim's skin a hotdog color orange radiates confidence not to mention third degree burns. Legend has it if you stare directly into his eyes he has been known to cause instant pregnancies and give many a straight man erections. I will attest to that just from looking at this gorgeous candid photo. And ladies, his balls are swimming with perfect DNA having come from the same gene pool as the almost as attractive actor, not quite as charming, Ryan Reynolds. He loves getting soaked in the rain, cuz he surely needs a reason to get out of all those wet restrictive suits. Jim, likens talking from a land line, because if he's not in the comfort of his home, talking to you by candle light and a burning fire holding a glass of chardonnay then what the fuck's the point. Stay classy, Jim.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I'm going to miss you, my calcified friend

As I write this under the influence of vicodin,  I would like to reflect on a loss that was both filled with relief and sadness-much like the death of a mother-in-law.  I need closure, and will be addressing my extracted upper molar.  You caused me a lot of pain buddy! For 3 days,  I spent feebly cursing you as I attempted in vain to feed my body or breathe some much-needed air. In addition to your insistence that I starve to death, you didn't want me to enjoy reading or writing as you made it abundantly clear that you wanted my full undivided attention, and were more than happy that I remained ignorant.  You sadistic f*cker.  As I downed handfuls of ibuprofen, I felt you were mocking my efforts to diminish the pain by lulling me into a false sense of peace- then wham! you turn on the torture meter at full strength. Jerk!

I finally submitted to your will and went to the dentist.  I don't know if you heard the conversation, as the local sedation was quickly setting in- but you were very quiet, you no doubt felt like a nervous canine at the vet, wondering if his balls would be chopped off.

The dentist was in your corner though-he thought I should save you.  It would cost $1500 bucks to keep your high-maintenance ass.  I did consider it, as we had so many good times together but lately you had pissed me off so much.  Like a 10-week overdue 12-toed inbred baby, you were not welcomed.  Putting aside fond memories of crunching jolly ranchers and biting people with a complete set, I told him to put a cap in your ass.  The good dentist however, was intimidated by your complicated roots, telling me that it would be more prudent to see an oral surgeon.  Damn you! malevolent molar!  You did not make this easy for me.  I foolishly thought that it would all be over once I got into that comfortable chair of nightmares.  Just when you thought you had won, I persuaded the dentist to change his mind and let us just try and hope for the best.

Through exhausting struggle, you held on with a tenacious grip.  On one of his breaks to rest his weary hands and wipe his sweaty brow, he pleaded with me "you know, it's not too late to change your mind"  I said "No" and then asked him if I could help assist in some way with pulling.  I think this served to make him more determined to not give up.

 I almost felt like stopping the procedure as I admired your toughness.  You were John Wayne, Charles Bronson and Steve Urkle all rolled into one.  I started feeling guilty.  Afterall, it was my neglect that brought us here.  I could have taken better care of you.  I was like the parent that refused to buy that pricey shampoo to rid their children's hair of head lice, instead telling them it's fleas from the dog, and that if they wanted to keep Fido they better stop bitching.  But YOU were at fault too.  I had previous work done -you were drilled and filled.  But you were not content and eventually your uncompromising ways led to rebellion and you forced out the foreign invader leaving me with a vulnerable hole that collected buick-sized chunks of food.  I left you to fend for yourself and you crumbled under the pressures of independence.

You fought tooth n nail but you were finally wrenched from my jaw, but in your steadfast devotion to assholery, you left behind a piece, which necessitated a visit to the oral surgeon afterall. Grr!

It's all over now.  The pain is subsiding, the bills are rising and I have to admit, I miss you.  You were a valued friend.  Even though there is an option to adopt, it just wouldn't be the same.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Awww, Bear Hugs

My original post title was going to read :
Bears outsmart surprisingly stupid Dolphins
My first sentence leading in:
Dolphins are supposed to be smart right?
I was going to go on and on about how the Dolphins used a 3rd string QB with only a few days of prep, and declined to run the ball. What idiots!

But the reality is I've seen the Bears be just as stupid throughout this season. Choosing to shoot themselves in the foot by going pass heavy leading to turnovers and close ugly losses. It seems now that the Bears are finally starting to find their stride and sticking to a more split pass/run ratio. With their strong defense I think this team is going to surprise a lot of naysayers this year. Again, playing a banged up, back-up squad in the Dolphins is again enough to keep most from not believing in Chicago. In my opinion, I'm going out on a ledge here and say I'd rather have this current team and coaching staff than the '07 Bears that went to the SuperBowl. Whaaaat?! Wait, I still can't believe the Bears actually went to the Superbowl in '07. Good D goes a long way. Throw in Jay Cutler and the ability to score points when trailing...Yowzers. I'm trying not to oversell them, maybe only to over compensate for all the Bear haters out their in the form of commentators, sports writers, espn power rankings, Kellens', and even pessimistic Bears fans. Shut down Vick next week and suddenly watch how fast they all start jumping on the bandwagon.

Stay tuned for video of our friend Kellen eating dog food.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Bears, Villains, and Dog Food

Ok, lets get this started...Prediction: Dolphins 24 Bears 10...even our 3rd string QB will be better than Cutler...any Bears fan disagrees? Just know its always better to put $$ behind ur words...

Meet Kellen Love:

Dolphin Fan, Miami native, Snazzy dresser,(revolving closet of tux's), a smile worthy of giving you a sun tan, Bears hater and yes my arch nemesis when it comes to NFL football. Kellen likes to play the villain, as he seemingly enjoys this more than life itself.


The above post was left by Kellen just yesterday on his Facebook page. I of course took this as a personal attack. Can I possibly let Kellen get away with such a aggressively confident taunt directed at Bears fans? Am I not a man? Do I not love and respect my city and team? After talking myself out of selling my car and possessions and putting it all on the line, I came to my senses and realized that total and complete humiliation was a better option.

I posted this counter challenge to Kellen:

put your dog food where your mouth is - I'll take that bet - loser eats dog food on video ? Go Bears!

I am still waiting for Kellen's reply. It's been over 15 hours. Sounds like he is not as confident as he previously let on. I'm taking this bet for all Bears fans, as I do have confidence in a Bears win, but most importantly I want to see my favorite villain eat dog food.

Bet accepted as a cautious Kellen agreed to eating a small can of dog food, on video, in less than 3 minutes, having to post video on Facebook in less than a week. Go Bears!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I met Spongebob, jealous?


What's Spongebob like in person you ask? Well he's a nice guy, who cares about the environment, buys recycled toilet paper, kleenex, and paper towels and prefers stainless steel water bottles for his kids over the waste that is plastic.
It turns out the face I thought looked very familiar,coming into my eco-friendly shop is in fact Tom Kenny. He's been around for awhile, starting in stand-up, appearing on Mr.Show, doing a lot of voice work, most notably as Spongebob Squarepants. In my opinion probably the best children's, maybe of all time.

In our small little shop we also sell organic mattresses, which Tom showed some interest in. I don't work on commission, but selling a mattress, being the highest priced item in the shop would really help us. I haven't sold one yet but I told Tom to come back with his wife and give our demo mattress a test out. Is it creepy that I winked right afterward. Either way he said they'll be back. This is of course before I knew who he was and now when he comes back in I'm worried the dynamic is gonna change, like somehow he'll know that I know, or I'll try and do a funny voice to impress him. It's gonna get ugly and awkward.

(Check out Tom and his wife, Jill Talley, in the Smashing Pumpkins, Tonight, Tonight, music video) I'm so getting them in bed.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Did you see that bush on Oprah?

not oprah

No, I'm not talking about some secret nude photos of a hairy Oprah from the late 70's, but an interview she had with George W. Bush.  I thought it was a great interview, an eye opener on some of the issues.  I don't hold any animosity toward the guy and I wish him well.

I can say this as a democrat because I'm not a partisan hack.  I see problems on both sides of the aisle.  One day it may be a republican that irritates me and the next- a democrat.  There is no shortage of foolishness in Washington, and it was a foolish law that caught my attention today. 

It was part of the March health-care reform and it will require all vendors to put up individual signs in close proximity of all items in a vending machine informing customers the caloric values of each item.  The FDA estimates that it will require 14 million hours a year to implement these changes. Is this really worth the cost, time, and effort? Is this fair? Will this hurt jobs?  Doesn't the general public already know that cookies, chips, soda and candy bars are bad for them?  When people are hungry they are not thinking about health risk- they need a carbo fix and a sign ain't gonna do shit. It's just common sense.

Instead of a sign, how about a mirror or a talking scale
you must step on to get the goodies  
"sorry you are too fat - access denied"

I know many people would love to see the junk food peddlers suffer, but I would rather see people become educated about healthy eating.  Then maybe they won't even approach a vending machine.  The lost profits would then be due to less demand and not because of unfair regulations. 
I understand the rationale behind the law, it has good intentions, but I think it crosses the line and would be ineffective anyways.

I realize I totally sound like a republican here.  It's just a once-in-awhile thing. I promise

Monday, November 8, 2010

rocks and serial killers

I normally don't watch much tv. But last night I was being lazy and didnt feel like looking for the remote to turn the channel, so I totally deserved the brutal onslaught of  'Inside Edition'.  I never watch these celebrity tabloid shows. I just dont get it. Why are people so interested in the personal lives of celebrities? It's an obsessive fascination for a lot of people. It makes me nauseous. 
But I continued watching.

They report about that new movie, '127 hours'. I haven't seen the movie or read the story in depth but it all sounds so predictable- man versus nature- blah, blah, blah, -man survives.  It's the story of that mountain climber guy who after 127 hours of his arm pinned by a boulder, decides to chew it off like a rat through cable wires - or maybe he had a knife?
This guy gets a movie? Why? What is the big deal here?  It's an arm, it's not like it was his penis or his head.  And why did he wait so long? It took him 127 hours to make this decision? Could you imagine his indecisiveness as he mulls over a Chinese take-out menu or goes out chopping around for a hat or a pair of gloves.  I'm impatient. I don't like sitting on my hands. I would have freed myself in the first 4 hours or at least before I had to take a crap.

'127 Hours' Director Danny Boyle
"Oh, you're gonna like this one....turn up the volume at the end" tee hee

There can't be much of a plot here.

A. guy is climbing mountain- beautiful scenery, nice music
B. guy falls down mountain, trapping his arm- darkness, ominous music
C. *filler material for an hour* I guess flashbacks on how much he loved his arm, maybe a scene of him winning an arm wrestling match or spiking volleyballs
D. guy severs own arm

Anyway, all was not lost.  They eventually had an interesting story.

This family from Colorado were very distressed to find out that their recently purchased dream home was formally owned and occupied by a man with a bad habit of serial killing. The real estate company did not divulge them of this fact, and now there are tears everywhere.  They are scared to be in this place.  Dreams have been shattered. The Inside Edition camera crew proceed to film the basement and they are directed to an area where one of the bodies were found.....and get this, they show the nearby wall with blood stains on it. WHAT??? WHY is there blood on the wall????  You just left it there??? Are you kidding me. You couldn't hire Merry Maids to take care of this with a scotch-brite or spend 5 minutes sealing a poor sap's DNA with a coat of of Kilz primer sealer???  These people are all panicky having to be in this house but, "oh let me show you the blood splatter....this really freaks me out". Oh yeah, when you try to sell the house, be sure to show prospective buyers your bloody wall. Great selling point.

I lost my sympathy for them and couldn't help find this somewhat amusing.  Personally, I dont see what the fuss is all about. Sure, I would prefer that my house be murder-free and that cemeteries be at least 100 feet away, but life isn't always fair and occasionally you get thrown a curve ball.  If i found myself in a tainted house I wouldn't get all cry-baby about it. I'd deal with it. Maybe I would throw an awesome Halloween haunted house every year. Fun for the kids.

Just when I thought 'What the hell is wrong with fearful people these days?', in comes the next story- that of a California couple that bought the home of convicted serial killer Dorothea Puente.

Infamous house under new and improved ownership

To be fair to the mile-high family, this lovely elderly couple already knew about the home's ghastly history.  But they said,  f**k it, and went ahead and bought the place anyway. They rock! They took advantage of the situation and got a great deal on the price. Very smart.  I was surprised by their cavalier attitude....they were all smiles - definitely in love- and proud to show off their house of horrors.  While in the back yard the man was giving a tour, "here is where she buried one of the victims"

Convicted serial killer Dorothea Puente is now concerned about 
the lack of  good fertilizer for her gorgeous rose bushes

So would you buy a home that had as a previous occupant, a serial killer?  I think I could handle it.  You have to put things in perspective. People die in homes all the time. Whether it is due to natural causes, accidentally falling down the stairs or head decapitation-death is death.  I think people have a fear that the house may become haunted with a restless pissed off spirit who would never leave the house. I dont believe in all that silliness, however, I try to keep an open mind about this stuff.

Sometimes mysterious things have happened like something suddenly falling to the floor or some unexplained noises.  I know this is due to natural reasons but it doesn't hurt to be proactive just in case.  I just pretend that I know 'it's' there.  I acknowledge and confront this spirit a-hole by telling it to "GTFO, you're wasting your time, I don't give a shit if you move my cup, go back in the basement you ass". 

Seriously, I will fight a ghost.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Bison escapes a grizzly fate

Game time is about an hour away.  Will the 4-3 Chicago Bears take down the 0-7 Buffalo Bills?  Will the game be as thrilling as the above real-life encounter?  I hope so.  The Bears had a bye week, so they should be well rested and should be capable of producing a full throaty roar. There is a huge difference between 5-3 and 4-4.  Let's go Bears!

**********after game edit**********

bears win 22-19
not a great performance overall but saw some good things from cutler

next week we play the wackiest team in the nfl
bears 5-3 vs vikings 3-5 (prolly the best 3-5 team)


So our behind-the-times military is still afraid to repeal DADT.  Aren't soldiers required to obey orders?  Seems like orders are a big deal in the military. Why does the military think if they do away with DADT that there would be some massive coming-out party in the showers?? A lot of paranoia out there.


I'm so excited that I will get my first Kindle in a few days.  I had wanted one of these since 2007 when they first came out, but the price at the time was a little too much. I'm not one of those impatient people that buy all that first generation stuff, and I certainly won't wait for days in a line with a tent set-up, -are people really peeing in bottles? and what about.....uh nevermind.  Well I held off as long as I could, much like William Wallace,




Even though my heart was set on the Kindle, there were other players in the market I had to review before I took the plunge; especially the Nook from Barnes and Noble.  I liked the Nook, loved that color touchscreen LCD, but in the end, after looking at every feature, the Kindle in my mind was still the best dedicated e-reader.  I got the Kindle 3G+WiFi-6".  I was tempted by the DX's 9.7 screen but I couldn't justify spending $200 more bucks

I can't wait to get this!  I hope it won't interfere too much with my blog output- I like blogging, been at it for a month now, but nothing is quite like the comfort of a good reading experience.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

television ads

I'm always amused by the commercials you see during a NFL football game- in my case, the chicago bears, who are sucking so bad that the commercials are more entertaining anyways..  I'm not referring to intentionally humorous light-beer ads but ads for pickup trucks-more specifically, the full sized trucks.  I can't help but chuckle when I see a dodge, chevy or ford mightily showcasing it's mind-numbing horsepower and torque by hauling a cruise ship up a winding mountain or traversing through an impassable river or climbing over monstrous boulders. Nevermind that most people who buy pick-ups would rarely go offroad, if ever they do, or would rarely utilize all 342 cubic feet of bed space-it doesn't matter, guys love their trucks.
 I will give you an example of an inside-the-head conversation of a guy named Chuck, a man dreaming up scenarios as he drools over his future truck.

beta chuck "oh my god dude, there is no way in hell we are gonna get through these fallen trees and that muddy ravine. I think we are gonna ****ing die...I'm so scared......I have 3 kids man....what are we gonna do???"

alpha chuck- "hahaha! - calm down you pansy-ass, you are forgetting that you are sitting in my  ford f350 4x4....the most powerful truck in its class....we are just going to blaze a path of destruction of our will see your chubby kids in no time, so wipe those tears away brah......we gonna kick some earth-ass"

beta chuck- "ok i feel so much better, I'm soooo glad you got this truck, you are one smart man"

 If it's not feats of boner-inducing hauling power,  its an appeal to your pseudo-patriotism with some catchy country song featuring a bunch of cowboy-hat-wearin studs representing good ole fashioned hard workin americans.

Director- "we need more flags and horses....and stubble, stop shaving!"

These testosterone-laden  ads are no doubt effective in piquing the interest of men who want to feel more powerful- guys that wanna break stuff, maybe run down a family of deer or some mailboxes or maybe it's just comforting to know that if there is a 7.4 magnitude earthquake, nothing will stop them from getting a slurpee at 7-11.

Now let's turn away from pickup trucks and focus on the family vehicle. I'm irritated at this one.
There is an ad out for the toyota highlander where some punk 8 year old kid looking on with disdain at the old minivan, tells the camera-
"Just because you're a parent doesn't mean you have to be lame,"

Whoa!, I know advertisements are meant to persuade the consumer but this is shameless, -over-the-line I tell ya.  The ad is no doubt targeting parents who would be afraid of appearing 'uncool' to their bratty kids.  I sure hope there aren't spineless parents like this, or our country is ****ed.

At that age, I was just happy that the car would start.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Satan, say please...

me and Bianca, (that's right, eat it grammar) had a busy month of October as we spent almost every weeknight and weekend scrambling to finish our Day of the Dead altar at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. (more photos of our Golden Girl tribute soon to come)


the next day, Halloween, we were exhausted from 17 + hours spent at a cemetery, (I must have peed out at least two gallons worth of ghosts -- you'd be surprised at all the orifices they try and enter) and just wanted to stay home and relax, hand out candy and maybe carve a pumpkin. keeping it low key we invited a few 'day of the dead crew' also known as Glitter Pockets over for a relaxed Halloween chock full of horror movies. but not to disappoint me and bianca quickly transformed into Blossom and Punky Brewster. you're welcome, Satan.


Thursday, October 28, 2010

technology news

Sadly, in tech news, Sony has just announced that it will no longer be manufacturing and selling the Walkman Cassette player.  Yes, I said cassette.  I didn't know they were still making these things- it goes to show you that even after 30 years, in the face of stiff competition, the Walkman Cassette had such a strong appeal and hung in there and refused to die. Or maybe it's just a lot of clueless dumbasses out there.

In the 80's,


all-american 80's family
big on heart and hair

before IPhone, MP3 players, CD players and the erosion of family values, there was the Walkman Cassette player. The Walkman was one of the 'must have' gadgets of the 80's and it established yourself firmly in the 'hip' crowd.  It can be argued that the Walkman started the now ubiquitous trend of social self-alienation - Now one finally had a way to drown out the irritating sounds of their family, and you could also pretend you didn't hear the homeless man asking for change-combine that with a pair of dark sunglasses and you practically became invisible.  The Walkman was also very convenient. Your music was truly portable and could go wherever you wanted to go. No longer did you have to lug around a heavy boom box to the playground to enjoy the sweet sounds of  Wham! while swinging away to your little hearts content. And if you wanted to get in the new fad of  'jogging', the Walkman was there for you, caressing your ears with sweaty foamy goodness.  But like all technology, something better is always around the corner. 

hedonistic sex symbols

RIP Sony Cassette Walkman

early 80's, tape recorder days-  it really sucked

a couple years later I got a general electric boom box, a huge upgrade in music equipment

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Blossom Redux

Erick I thought I'd help you out and give you an idea of what you would look like dressed-up as the coming-of-age character that had such a major impact on your childhood.

Last Minute Costume Idea

I don't think I've ever planned a costume more than a week prior to Halloween. Last year I was Tim Allen and a group of us went as the marvelous Home Improvement cast. My girlfriend Bianca was the Tool Time girl, (she went for the flashier, sexier female on the show, as opposed to Jill Taylor who does not encourage boners) my other friend was Al Borland, and another friend got called into work last minute and sadly could not be the character I was looking forward to the most, Wilson the neighbor. (He was going to carry around a partial fence in front of his face.) This was all probably a week before Halloween and we hit the thrift stores (bad Tim Allen 90's ties and pleated khakis) and the hardware store. (bought handyman tool belts which I think we later returned - sorry economy) Coming off such a successful last minute costume idea is hard to top. I once again told myself I'm not going to be anything. I'm old. I'm tired. I didn't plan on going anywhere. Now, Bianca is pressuring me into figuring out a costume. What are you going to be? I can't top myself from last year. I peaked at Tim Taylor and for the rest of my Halloweeen life it's going to be down hill.


I'm thinking this year I may dress as my childhood hero, Blossom. We look similar and have a lot in common. We both have large noses, great smiles, and an artistic flair. I would have to hit the thrift store but I'm sure I can throw together this bad-ass look and best of all it allows me to show off my best asset, my kneecaps!

It's up in the air whether Bianca will dress as Blossom's best bud "Sixpack" Six or Punky Brewster.

"I found condoms in Blossoms purse, Whoa!"

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

honored guest

 A Guest Post by Mr. Art N. Craft,

Yeah , I know, a plain ol jack-o-lantern.  Look, I'm not interested in carving out some over-the-top fancy-schmancy design like that of pop stars or cute animals. Not for me. People are even using motorized tools like a Dremel.  Unbelievable I tell ya, Everything nowadays is the easy way. I will stick with my trusty ginsu knife I picked up at my neighbor's estate sale- still pretty sharp...considering billy bob's hard head.

The world is just moving too damn fast and everybody is - change, change, we gotta change.  Well screw that! and screw them got damn liberals! There used to be a time when we had values in this country. We are frickin letting the homo's and muslims take over our country and if this continues, there aint gonna be no more white christian babies. Kids used to be able to pray in school, but now they be handing out condoms to 3rd graders and teaching them that sex ed- sounds like they be showing porno movies or something.  Don't get me started on science and their false theories of evilution- I mean cmon, I don't see any monkeys turning into humans. And duh, everybody knows the earth is 6000 years old and that dinosaur fossils were put there by God to test our faith.

I don't agree with all these changes in the world,...but at least let me carve a proper got damn pumpkin.
Oh and another thing- don't be knockin on my door for candy you  free-loaders.  Go buy it like everybody else.

Happy Halloween,

*** The views and opinions expressed herein are those of 'guest' blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of CIWIS or its affiliates***

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Bucket ****warning*** ***gross*** ***you have been warned***

Even to this day, over 30 years later, the gruesome sights and smells of the bucket still haunts me.  Now, this isn't a pleasant smell like that of a new pile of rail-road ties along the train tracks or the smell of my newspaper route papers burning.  No, this smell was quite offensive. The infamous 'bucket' of 1979 had quite a large appetite for things foul and nasty - you could say that it has seen the worse of human nature.  Noxiousness aside, it did admirably fulfill it's duties and thankfully it never sprang a leak. Yes, ocassionally there was a splash but you learned very quickly to be cautious- you could say that that it helped develop one's fine motor skills. Some qualities that came in handy when dealing with the bucket were: steady hands, good balance, intestinal fortitude, breath-holding ability, grace under pressure, and sheer determination.

The bucket in this photo is not the original bucket nor did it look so white and shiny.  I suppose I should have posted a picture that resembles the bucket of my story, but I wish to be kind and show what our bucket was like when it was gleeming with newness, ready to perform honest work. Afterall, our bucket did not ask to be born and certainly did not expect to be defiled on a regular basis.

On to the story:

new baby erick



A baby of 7+ pounds was born although the weight of burden seemed much higher. The floors in the back of the house which included the kitchen and the bathroom, had to be ripped out and replaced.  My mom had the good sense to escape with the baby during these repairs leaving us to fend for ourselves. We added a toaster oven to the living room and removed the toilet. While the floors were being worked on, we had pot pies for a week. The beef was my favorite followed by turkey as a close second.  On hindsight, maybe pot pies although convenient, may have made things worse.
We had no toilet but we had a bucket.
It was my job to empty this bucket of multi-colored yogurt swirled excrement in the sewer that was in our backyard.  Yes I had to look in the bucket.  You had to size up your opponent. You had to prepare. You had to judge the potentiality of splash- it was all a logistics thing. Failure was not an option,

kid stuggling to carry bucket, much like me
lucky kid was prolly hauling water or got it easy kiddo!

 From the house, I would just go forward with tunnel-like vision toward that sewer, which by the way was a catch basin - ooops health hazard for the city.  I would empty the toxic dump making sure to hold my breath, for the fumes could make you pass out.  The last thing I needed was my limp lifeless body falling head first into a vat of the family stew. Winter was well on it's way so a combination of the cold weather and the fresh warm contents usually created an interesting cloudy fog that no doubt attracted the attention of our neighbors on both sides.

"Good Lord!, what are you people doing? and what the **** is that smell?"
I've often wondered why I love so much that scene in "Christmas Vacation" when Eddie is emptying the waste from the RV into the sewer. I guess I can really relate to it all - I've been there, I done that.  It's like a badge of honor- I can tell people I've dealt with some major shit in my life and I'm stronger for it.  Sure would love to get a photo with me and Eddie posing near a sewer or something. That  **** would be funny.*

* ok I really don't want a photo with randy quaid

Saturday, October 23, 2010

I wanna barf

What happened to suspense? Halloween? Jaws? Where the Soundtrack and the impending danger is what freaked you the fuck out. Recent horror films get right to the action of killing. And stay with the killing. Will this person ever die? Still killing. Wow, he just keeps stabbing her in the face. This is very disturbing. Maybe that lunatic on the corner screaming through a bullhorn about violence on tv and film being bad for children is right? Nah, he just pissed his pants.

For those that don’t want to see gratuitous violence which seems to be the new horror of the 2000’s which involves repeated stabbing (Rob Zombie garbage) and carpentry work on limbs, (Saw series), and are too much of weenies to watch anything truly frightening (as that list is seriously long) but are instead looking for a more fun time viewing this Halloween, here is my top 10 list of fun horror movies that are part scary but mostly awesomely fun.

Top 10 Awesomely Fun Horror List

1. Evil Dead 2 (1987)

Duh. Watch it. I talk to a lot of peeps that think they might have seen this but they’re not sure. Trust me if you’ve seen this you’d remember. It’s amazing.

2. Re-Animator (1985)

I just remember loving this when I saw it a few years back.

My memory is bad. I dunno. It’s great. Watch it already.

3. Drag Me to Hell (2009)

This wasn’t promoted very well, and it’s saddening to think that this

went by without getting the attention it deserved. Basic concept that

goes a long way with a great director.

4. Creep Show (1982)

Five short stories which are forever burned into my memory. Nuff said.

5. The Fly (1986)

Warning. Do not eat anything with a tomato base, or any liquid say

like queso, as there is a lot of gross shit that goes down involving vomit and blood and a shirtless Goldblum. Barf.

6. Gremlins (1984)

Come on, it’s Gremlins. Not to sound like a screenwriting tool but

the original script was a lot more horror filled before it got into the hands of family friendly Spielberg

at the time. There was no cute and cuddly Gizmo! I know!

7. Child’s Play (1988)

The Chucky franchise has made a mockery out of the original Child’s Play film. Shit I forgot it was called Child’s Play and not Chucky. Not to say it wasn’t self aware of it’s campy-ness, but it eventually turned into a parody of itself much like what happened to the Nightmare on Elm Street series. But the original has a lot of genuine scares.

8. Fright Night (1985)

Vampire movie. Kind of slow, kind of dated, but it has great old-fashioned horror effects. The best character is ‘Evil Ed,’ who steals the show. Look at him, he's not even the main character and he's on the cover cuz he's that amazing. They’re doing a remake of FN currently and McLovin will be reprising the role of ‘Evil Ed.’ I’m intrigued.

9. From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)

Most films that take place in one location bore the shit out of me. Loose script, awesome cast, fun gore, this is good stuff.

10. Idle Hands (1999)

It’s a lot sillier than scary for you true blue weenies.

Honorable Mentions:

Beetlejuice, Ghostbusters, Tremors, The Burbs, Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland, and Nightmare on Elm Street.

What did I miss?

favorite horror movie

As satan's day is coming up I thought I'd highlight a movie near and dear to my black heart. John Carpenters' 1978 Halloween is by far my favorite horror flick.  I don't know how old I was when I first saw it on tv, but it is very possible it was in 1980 when NBC had the rights to air it, albeit with additional footage to make up for the stuff that was censored.  I do remember being scared ***tless for this movie had it all, freaky music, awesome plot, evil-as-hell-villain, and great use of 'false startle' techniques. This movie never gets old with me, and I try to see it every year around the time of halloween.  Halloween just isn't halloween without some good ol fashion evil.


was this not one of the best horror scenes of all time
-good luck today trying to poke an eye with a plastic hanger-


look real close at this man's face

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